MindGuard X

If you have ever watched the NBC evening news or MSNBC, you know that there is something odd about NBC New's Uber-Anchor Tom Brokaw. This is because he is an android.

Not just your run-of-the-mill android, mind you, but a third generation Simulacrum, specially designed by the Disney-Front Imagineers for their Liberati Masters. These Simulacra come in many different models and lines that are used for different purposes. They were first developed in the fifties by Walt Disney, under the guise of his audio-animatronic research. The technology has matured greatly since then, and Simulacra have gone on to infiltrated many aspects of our lives.

The "man" you are used to seeing anchoring the Nightly News on NBC is actually a whole line of Simulacra, each called a Tom Brokaw Unit (TBU). TBUs were designed for propaganda dissemination. They contain a slew of psychotronic, psioptic, and hypnosonic devices that are used to make people watching NBC believe what the Liberati want them to believe. They are replaced regularly (not that you can tell since they are all designed to look alike,) with the newest models, which have the newest and most effective psi-gear.

The current TBU models have the following features:

• MS Windows AE: This is the special android version of Microsoft's Windows operating system. (Bill Gates, I should point out, isn't actually an android, as one would guess, but a Human-Reptilian hybrid who subsists mainly on small rodents.)

• Voice Modulation Sonoglyph: TBU's have the ability to encode psycho-suggestive messages in the modulation of their voice. Because of this, TBUs tend to have an odd inflection. Make sure to DePsych after listening to a TBU for a prolonged time.

• Physio-rhythmic Somnia Inducer: This feature allows TBUs to lull their audiences into a trance state through subtle body movements. These tend to manifest themselves in abnormal neck flexes and limp-wristedness, but the most dangerous are the blink rhythms and eye gyrations. You should never look a TBU directly in the eyes!

TBUs are not, of course, the only Simulacra in TV news. At NBC, android models include the Stone Philips, Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, and Tim Russard varieties. Peter Jennings, Sam Donaldson, and Ted Kopple are notable ABC Simulacra. (Diane Sawyer, however, is fully biological. She, along with Anne Curry from NBC's Today Show, is a GELF originally created for the sexual amusement of the Liberati Overlords. Both were placed into service as propaganda machines mainly because their sultry voices were discovered to be as effective as any Voice Modulation Sonoglyph technology, at least with males 18 to 45.) Furthermore, at CNN everyone is an android, even those off screen.

And then there is CBS...

The truth about Dan Rather almost slipped when a man burst into the studio one day while his show was airing and screamed out "What's the frequency Kenneth?" before being removed by CBS's elite counter-insurgence squad. The incident was brushed aside by CBS officials by claiming the man was a kook, and later was made completely innocuous by the pop-group REM in their mind-numbing song ingeniously entitled "What's the Frequency Kenneth?". But just who is Kenneth? And what is the frequency the man referred to? The answer to these questions are key to understanding why CBS's logo is a giant eye.

Kenneth is Kenneth Steinberg, Dan Rather's operator. Dan Rather, like Tom Brokaw, is an android. But, unlike the TBU Simulacra, Rather is a non-automaton. In a word it's a puppet. It is controlled via RHF radio waves by Kenneth from his trailer park outside of Big Springs, Montana.

Kenneth is the true owner of CBS, or I should say, Kenneth IS CBS. All decisions, small and grand alike, about the day to day operations at CBS ultimately come from Kenneth. Kenneth decided to court Letterman. Kenneth decided to appeal to a younger audience. Kenneth decided that that was a bad idea. Kenneth decided that the wallpaper in the CBS offices should be blue-grey.

But it goes even farther than that. Kenneth IS everyone you see on CBS. All CBS on-air personalities are either android puppets, like Rather, or biological puppets, people with chips stuck in their heads that allow Kenneth to control their every move from miles away, each android or bio-puppet operating at a different frequency. Kenneth is Letterman. Kenneth is Charles Osgood. Kenneth is Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Kenneth is the Nanny. Kenneth was Conni Chung, but then her chip-controlled body was liberated by her husband, Murray Povich, and his band of Neo-Luddite reactionary Freemen and taken to their stronghold in the jungles of Guatemala for a chip-ectomy. But I digress.

Kenneth controls all of CBS like a mind controlling a body, and he does all this from an inconspicuous trailer park in the middle of nowhere. His all seeing, all knowing eye is the CBS Eye. It is the Eye of Kenneth.

But the big question is why? Kenneth doesn't appear to be aligned with the Liberati or any paraterrestrial agency. Apart from the implanting of chips in the heads of CBS on-air personalities (which they agree to when they sign their contracts,) Kenneth doesn't appear to have any malevolent intentions. Then why does he do this? And why doesn't he want anyone to know? These are questions that will have to go unanswered since Kenneth isn't talking.